


Pranks of the Third Age

by LetTheShipsBurn



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bangmar, Crack, Dank Memes, Depeche Mode - Freeform, Dialogue Heavy, Ding Dong Ditch, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humor, Isengard, Jokes, Keks, Mordor, Pranks and Practical Jokes, The Silmarillion References, Third Age
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-07-26 21:25:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7590973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LetTheShipsBurn/pseuds/LetTheShipsBurn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sauron and the Witch-King go on a road trip and do some pranks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pranks of the Third Age

“Ugh,” Sauron thought. “This idiot is never on time.”

He looked through his messenger bag and mentally made sure he had brought everything. Headphones. Wallet. Phone cable and both the car charger and the wall charger. He’d considered bringing his DSLR camera to get scenery shots, but didn’t. He changed his mind went back inside to get it and the charging cable, and also grabbed a water bottle. Why not, being environmentally friendly is never a bad idea.

The car pulled up.

“Damn, how long does it even take to get here?”

“Sorry, man. It’s really early.” said the Witch-King. “Do you have everything? I almost forgot my phone charger.”

“Even if you had, I brought one. S'all good. Let’s stop and get some coffee or something. You’re damn right it’s early.”

He was impressed that the barista at Starbucks spelled “Sauron” correctly, but snickered at the fact that they’d spelled “Angmar” as “Del Mar” on his buddy’s drink.

“Goddamn it,” the Witch-King said.

“The Witch-King of Del Mar” Sauron cackled. “Are we going surfing? How’s the weather down there, brah?”

“Shut up. You’re an idiot.”

“Del Mar,” he repeated. “Man that’s never going away.”

When they hit the freeway, it was finally starting to look like daytime. Sauron had declined to start out driving so he could navigate, and maybe find some cool places to stop. It’s not like they had any particular destination, but that’s kind of the point of a road trip.

“Hey, I’m gonna put on some music,” the Witch-King said. “How does Depeche Mode sound? Everyone loves Depeche Mode.”

“Sounds good, man.” Sauron agreed. “Violator is probably one of the best albums of all time. Doesn’t get much better than that.”

“Totally. Songs of Faith and Devotion is a classic too.”

“Know what’s really underrated? Fucking Ultra. Why don’t people like Ultra?”

“It’s a little difficult to get into, I think.” The Witch-King thought for a second. “Construction Time Again is the literal worst, though. Like, Depeche Mode should be embarrassed to be Depeche Mode for making that one.”

“Speaking of older music, it’s a damn shame I never got to see Oingo Boingo. They’re fucking great. But the Farewell tour never hit anywhere in Mordor, and it was just too far to drive out to fucking Dol Amroth and I wasn’t living in Mirkwood yet.” Sauron complained.

“Yeah, I’ve never understood why people play Angmar but not Mordor. That was a great tour. Glad I caught it. Danny Elfman is a genius.”

“Hey we should listen to some Oingo Boingo,” said Sauron, inspired. “I’ve got a great playlist. Some Oingo Boingo, Depeche Mode, stuff like that. Also some synthpop, a bit of gothy stuff, it’s a good mix.”

“Cool, so sort of a darkwave eighties kinda thing?” The Witch-King asked. “Love that sort of thing. The kind of stuff you’d hear at a goth club or something. Wish I was more familiar with some of the bands, though.”

“Well, I’ll let you know if there’s something you don’t know. Expand your musical taste, man.”

Sauron connected his phone to the stereo. Glad he’s got a USB port on the stereo, he thought. Otherwise we’d be boned for music. He snickered to himself about having ingeniously named this particular playlist “The Dark Lord’s Goth Club Mega-mix.”

“Oh god.” The Witch-King said. “You gave it a really stupid name, didn’t you.”

“Maybe. Okay, yeah, I did.”

“Do I even want to know what it is?”

“The Dark Lord’s…” He bust up laughing. Damn, I’m hilarious, he thought. “The Dark Lord’s Goth Club Mega-mix.”

The Witch-King groaned. “What are you, 15? That’s the worst spooky bullshit I’ve ever heard.”

Sauron tried to reply, but was still convulsing with laughter over his exceptionally stupid playlist name.

They turned up the music loud, put down the windows and headed out of Mordor.

A few hours passed.

“So I’m looking at the map here. Do we wanna head north and hit Rohan, or go south to Gondor?” asked Sauron.

“Hmm, depends. Do we wanna see trees and nature, or maybe hit some cities?”

“Well,” Sauron said, “We’re closer to Rohan. We could head for Dol Guldur and see what’s cool on the way. I hear Edoras is sort of lame, but the scenery up that way is pretty good.”

“Hmm. I haven’t been to Dol Guldur in a while. Let’s see what’s up in Mirkwood. We can head west through Rohan and check out Orthanc. Maybe that dipshit Saruman is home.” the Witch-King suggested.

“Let’s prank him,” Sauron said. “Let’s go to Orthanc and prank him. The whole trip will be worth it.”

“I believe we have found our destination, my friend.” agreed the Witch-King.

Dol Guldur was impressive as ever, if a bit time-worn. Many pictures were taken of the fell wargs that had taken up residence, and the orcs seemed quite surprised.  
“Get on the throne!” Sauron said. “It’ll be a great picture.”

“Ha, okay.” The Witch-King struck a funny pose. “Check me out, I’m the Neeeeeeecromancer” He did jazz hands and Sauron tried to keep from blurring the pictures while he was laughing. 

“Oh man that’s perfect. Yeah you totally look like me. I did jazz hands all the time. It was totally my thing. Ruled not with an iron fist but with jazz hands.”

The next leg of the trip was uneventful, but they managed to find some great photo opportunities. Rohan is mostly fields and rolling hills, and it became a bit tiresome. Eventually, the mountains grew closer and the spire of Orthanc loomed in the distance. Sauron had put his playlist back on, forgetting about it for a couple days, in favor of other music.

“Hey, what’s this?” the Witch-King asked. “I like it.”

“Sisters of Mercy, dude. This Corrosion. Totally classic.” Sauron said. “This song is like 15 minutes long but they still play it at the club. I think they put it on when the DJ wants to go get a drink.”

“Crafty. I like it. Put on a long-ass song everyone loves and go get more hooch.” the Witch-King briefly pondered whether he’d be a good DJ, but concluded that Sauron would fit the bill better. It was a damned good playlist, even if it had the stupidest name in all Arda.

The song changed, and Sauron remarked, “Man, this one is great. It’s a cover of another Sisters song, Dominion. By Information Society. They have this new album of all covers. I supported their pledge music thing and got all sorts of cool swag.”

“Weren’t they the ones with that Pure Energy song earlier ?” the Witch-King asked.

Sauron corrected him, “Well, it’s ‘What’s On Your Mind (Pure Energy)’, but yeah. That song was a hit in the late Second Age.”

“Either way, this one is really good. I think I’m gonna add it to my Spotify later.” He made a note in his phone. “You said ‘Dominion,’ yeah?”

“That’s the one,” said Sauron. “Information Society.”

Another hour went by, and they traded places. Sauron got an idea, and looked devious. “Dude, how are we gonna prank him? Let’s dress up in costumes or something.” He laughed. “Like wear each other’s clothes or something.”

“What’s the point of that? It’ll still look like Sauron and the Lord of the Nazgûl are at his house, except our clothes won’t fit.” the Witch-King said. “We might as well just play ding-dong-ditch. ”

“I’m totally ding-dong-ditching him. I don’t care what anyone says, that’s always hilarious.”

“Okay, now you’re talking. Let’s do it. He’ll be pissed as hell.”

They parked in an inconspicuous place and snuck up to the great doors of the tower of Orthanc.

“Ready?” Whispered Sauron.

The Witch-King nodded. “Let’s see how many times we can do it.”

Sauron slipped up to the door, and rang the heavy bell to indicate his arrival, and then ran as fast as he could back to his hiding place. Saruman himself opened the door, and looked puzzled. He shut it. A while passed.

“Your turn,” whispered Sauron, stifling his chuckling.

“Here I go,” said the Witch-King, “Covert-ops style, man. Nazgûl Navy SEAL style.”

Sneaking up to the door, he waited a moment, and then rang the bell, and sprinted as fast as possible. He dove back behind the wall next to Sauron, and they peered over the masonry.

Saruman looked less puzzled and more irritated this time, and the pair sunk back behind the wall, convulsing in quiet laughter.

“Okay, do it again, man.” the Witch-King snickered.

“Ha, this is the best.” Sauron had trouble keeping his laughter quiet, but composed himself and slipped up to the door.

He rang the bell, and heard the door creaking most immediately. He dove into a bush.

“Who goes there?” the now-pissed off wizard demanded.

“Uh… Gil-Galad.” Sauron ventured. “Gil-Galad, High King of the Noldor.”

“And Denethor… Um… Steward of Gondor.” the Witch-King lied.

Saruman looked as unimpressed as any Maia in the history of Arda has ever looked. They both dissolved into laughter, and came out of hiding.

“Just kidding. Sauron, and the Witch-King of Angmar.” Sauron cackled.

The Witch-King was still laughing too hard to answer for his mischief.

Saruman sighed, and let them in.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't take this too seriously. It's pure crack and I wrote it on the bus.


End file.
